Birth Experience

When Erik and I found out I was pregnant, I became committed to having natural childbirth. In fact I wanted to give birth at home. We even met with a midwife and had an appointment to tour the local birthing center. When we found out I was having twins we did not let this put a wrench in our plan. Birth is the most spiritual experience one can have; it is life. Life is painful. Labor is work, the hardest, most beautiful work we can do. It is messy, scary and it hurts like fucking hell and that is because it SHOULD. Life is scary, messy, and it also hurts like fucking hell. I wanted to feel every part of birth. Fuck epidurals if I did not need one. Let me feel my children coming out, let me do the work, and let me be a part of the experience. As a woman it is my honor (and some would say my lot). Home felt safer than a hospital, so did a birthing center, but with twins they won't take you. I had to find a doctor in a hospital who was open and willing to allow me to give natural child birth to our twins. This was not easy, but I did it. I also gave birth to Maya and Amara totally naturally. You can call it luck or you can tell me it was because they were small (weighing in at 4.12 and 4.5), but I think it is because of all the crap that I did.

I understand that shit happens. I mean lots of shit when women give birth. If I needed the epidural because labor was not moving, so be it. If I needed a c-section because my life or the babies' lives were in danger, cut me open. If I am in labor for a friggin day or more, by all means end my misery, but please let at least let me try it on my own first.

I have issues with control. Shit, we all have issues with control. The way I choose to control birth is through learning as much as I could about it. I even wrote a paper about hospital practices in America. The irony here is that it did not matter how much I knew about pitocin or vasectomies or doulas, because what I needed to practice was letting go. Birth was the greatest lesson in letting go. All that research and reading taught me was that I had to let go on every level, mentally, physically, and most importantly, spiritually.

To prepare for laborI meditated, I did Reiki, I got massages, and at the end, I put down those books. Erik even gave me perineal massages. Perineal massages are when you get rubbed between your asshole and your vagina. It is uncomfortable, but the idea is that so is labor, times a hundred.

Labor started at about 7:30. I called Erik (as I did for about 3 days prior), and told him I thought I was going in to labor...but I was kinda like the boy who cried wolf on that one. When the contractions/pain kept on rolling in I told him to get his arse home (I was really not that tough, but it sounds good though right?). I decieded to take a shower. Showers always calm me. They are my safe place. There's nothing like hot water pounding on your skull to give a bit o' clarity. Erik came home when I was in the shower. I remember blow drying my hair which was a waste of time because after the shower I went into the bath. It was as if I craved water. Erik called Sally to come over at that point.

When I got out of the bath we went for a walk. During the walk I remember having some killer contractions. Sally was at our house when we got home. I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for energy. Sally check my cervix, and we went to the hospital. The ride there SUCKED ASS. I was writhing in pain.

At the hospital they asked me a lot of dumb ass questions, considering I really could not speak, nor think, and basically just wanted to shoot somebody. My nurse just so happened to be a midwife when she lived in England. She was a great help. I remember that freakin' baby monitor sucking. When the monitor is on you cannot move, and when you have a contraction all you want to do is uhhh...move! My nurse was cool and after awhile of me ignoring her she pretended to have it on. At some point I got naked, at another point my bare ass was up in the air. When the nurse finally got around to checking me, she broke my water. When my water broke, the crap really hit the fan. I did not know it, but I was screaming (all the nurses said they heard me). There was some annoying woman saying, "focus, focus", over and over. My glasses were off. My doc, Guilliams, was running. I thought, "Why is he running? We have time..."

Next thing I knew there was a light and lots of people surrounding my girly bits. I screamed and told everyone to stop. It hurt so much. I thought I was going to loose it. I mean really loose it. In my mind I was cursing myself for ever thinking I could do this. The nurse looked at me. She told me to suck in as if I was a turtle going into my shell. She told me to only look at her. The nurse brought me back. I was almost there. Then I pushed with all my might. Out came Maya. They tried to put her on my belly, but I told them to take her away because the next one was coming. I pushed again. Five minutes later Amara came out. What a relief. I kissed her, getting blood on my face. I gave birth to two babies, no medication, nada. Maya and Amara were welcomed to this world. I was in labor for about 5 hours total. It was over. I did it.