Last night I had a nightmare. I was on a city street, walking when all of the sudden a bus driver went completely rogue. The bus was trying to slam in to people and going on the sidewalks. It seems almost cartoonlike. The bus would sway over, hit people. The bus seemed as if it was aiming for me. Each time it would aim for people it would just miss me by a hair. I would jump back and press myself against a store window or hide in an alley to get away from it. It seemed never-ending, as if I had no where to go. Is there a huge bus coming to run me over? Is this a signifier of the fear I feel sometimes in life, as if something huge is about to come and wipe all this beauty away. On some level am I the crazy bus driver trying to run myself over? It sure feels like that sometimes.
I get in the way of myself. I am what stops “me” most of the time. I can blame it on time, a hangover, my husband or kids, but really that is a bunch of horseshit. When they say you are your worst enemy it is completely true. Shit is always going to be in the way, my shit. Usually, the crap that is in the way is inside though, lurking and sneaky. Sometimes (well most of the time) it comes out when I am driving…though now when I curse I have to spell out, “F-U-C-K”. When you have to spell out your curse words they loose their luster. Trust me, not as much fun. At the gym I’d kick and punch at it, sweating and grimacing it out of my body. Most of the time I do not even realize all that crap is there, unless I breathe and FEEL it. It is that stuff that compresses my spine. “It” catches up to me when I am dreaming in the form of crazy drivers; how incredibly ironic.
Oh, and I got a ticket on the day that I write this...it must be a sign. Argh.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
What I carry
I keep thinking about burdens. The stuff we carry on our backs and in our hearts. How we pass the burden on to the next generation for them to hold onto.
My shoulders hurt way too much these days. I carry my burden there. The load keeps me up at night. At 3 in the morning I am inspired my brain ticking along with the clock, twisting and turning.
This week I found myself yelling at the girls, "No". Maya stiffens her body, bangs her head into me, crys out. How do I let her know she should not throw her food on the ground? It is not safe to go into the computer area with all those wires, "no".
All she hears is yelling, my tone of voice, and she sees the look on my face and thinks...bad (or so I imagine). I do not want to give yelling to my daughters. In front of them I yell when I am mad. Mad means anger. I have had enough with anger. Anger stews and festers. Anger is in my blood. It is exhausting.
What I must do is talk. Tell Maya it is dangerous to go in the computer area. I love her and do not want her to get hurt. One day she will get it.
Yesterday the girls were in their fort. I joined them. It is safe in there. The light reflects through the holes on the roof. The fort protects. It is private. I like it and understand the need to hide, but I do not want them to have that need. I do not want them to understand, go inside.
What it comes down to is pain. The need to protect. I must protect them from me. I must let the burdens go. They will not be passed on. All of it ends here, with me.
My shoulders hurt way too much these days. I carry my burden there. The load keeps me up at night. At 3 in the morning I am inspired my brain ticking along with the clock, twisting and turning.
This week I found myself yelling at the girls, "No". Maya stiffens her body, bangs her head into me, crys out. How do I let her know she should not throw her food on the ground? It is not safe to go into the computer area with all those wires, "no".
All she hears is yelling, my tone of voice, and she sees the look on my face and thinks...bad (or so I imagine). I do not want to give yelling to my daughters. In front of them I yell when I am mad. Mad means anger. I have had enough with anger. Anger stews and festers. Anger is in my blood. It is exhausting.
What I must do is talk. Tell Maya it is dangerous to go in the computer area. I love her and do not want her to get hurt. One day she will get it.
Yesterday the girls were in their fort. I joined them. It is safe in there. The light reflects through the holes on the roof. The fort protects. It is private. I like it and understand the need to hide, but I do not want them to have that need. I do not want them to understand, go inside.
What it comes down to is pain. The need to protect. I must protect them from me. I must let the burdens go. They will not be passed on. All of it ends here, with me.
Monday, February 2, 2009
How I fell out of teaching: Part II
There was the incident, then there was the aftermath. Going to work every day became a living hell for me. I did not know who was saying all this crap about me. After I really thought about it (oh and I did) none of it really made any sense. Was I detoxing because I quit smoking? Did I eat tuna one day and smell afterwards? Should I take garlic out of my diet? These thoughts were absolutely ridiculous, and why should I even have had to worry about such utter nonsense. Looking back on all of it now, the situation almost seems unreal, like some kind of freakish nightmare, but it was real.
People were talking. My class was observed by one of the Assistant Principal's. He actually had the nerve to say to me during a professional review of my work that he walked passed me every day to see if maybe it was my breath that smelled, but he could never smell anything. He actually said this to me. I am not making this shit up. I had to get to the bottom of things. I had a feeling the "smell rumour" had something to do with the other woman I shared a room with, Jody. Jody did not like me, that was already apparent. The two of us were around the same age. She was tenure, so I think she thought perhaps she was entitled to things. For instance, she only "allowed" me to use a quarter of the chalkboard. Also, I had a small piece of a desk to place my handouts. She'd write me strange notes about cleaning issues in the classroom instead of actually speaking to me as an adult. I let her have her board and the desk because it did not really matter to me, yet seemed incredibly important to her.
I had two classrooms. Having two classrooms and no desk of any sort can take its toll on a frazzled person such as myself. Every day I'd forget a hand out and every day I'd have the same sweet, trustworthy student go get whatever it was that I needed. One day, my student told me she would not go get my stuff. I asked why. She seemed uncomfortable and said, "The teacher in your other room does not like you, and she is not a nice person". Hmmmm...It turned out that Jody was talking to the students about me. I am not sure if she brought it up to them or vice versa, but I found out that she told students to go to the principal to tell them I smelled. She also told them to tell their parents as well. Wow.
I went to my department chair and the principal. This woman helped create a horrible rumour about me. What she did was horrible and downright mean. Because of her I had to regain the respect of my students. Teachers were talking about me. I cannot believe I had to deal with this kind of crap where I worked. We had a meeting. She said the students were complaining, "what was she to do?" Poor thing. After the meeting she actually hugged me in front of the office. I let her. Ugh!
School starting to make me nauseous. It was around this time that I began having sleep issues. I started taking sick days, so I could sleep. Going to work became really hard. I actually started going to a healer to resolve all the issues I was having. Every day I had to force myself to go to teach with my head held high.
The next year I would have had tenure. I could have done what I wanted to. All that hard work, all that bol shit that I had to deal with through out the year because of that rumour with students would not have mattered anymore. I do not think that Jody should have gotten off so easy. Teachers are supposed to be role models and act like professionals. At the end of the year we got our placements for the following school year. I never went to my department chair to tell him what grade or level I wanted to teach. He gave me the worst possible schedule. I actually would have had to teach in both buildings (it takes 15 minutes to get from one side to the other). In my mind my schedule was just another nail in the coffin. I knew at that point that Erik and I were moving to Houston. I could not stay at that school. At the time I felt like I rather start somewhere new, learn a new curriculum. My last year in Philadelphia I took another job at a new school. Now, I realize that the whole smelling thing was really the beginning of the end. I was done with teaching then, even though I taught at another school for a year. My heart was just not in it anymore.
It has been about 6 years since I taught in New Jersey. I still wonder if I really did smell. Maybe I did for about a week when I quit smoking, maybe not. I will never know, but nor do I really care. People can be incredibly cruel. Mostly, cruelty stems from something else. Usually, its their own shit that they need to deal with. The whole thing was very strange.
I know I always say that the universe gives us signs. I felt like the whole mess was a huge, blaring billboard telling me that there was something else out there for me, something more. Oh, and I was right. I am not sure what the hell that is yet, but it will come.
People were talking. My class was observed by one of the Assistant Principal's. He actually had the nerve to say to me during a professional review of my work that he walked passed me every day to see if maybe it was my breath that smelled, but he could never smell anything. He actually said this to me. I am not making this shit up. I had to get to the bottom of things. I had a feeling the "smell rumour" had something to do with the other woman I shared a room with, Jody. Jody did not like me, that was already apparent. The two of us were around the same age. She was tenure, so I think she thought perhaps she was entitled to things. For instance, she only "allowed" me to use a quarter of the chalkboard. Also, I had a small piece of a desk to place my handouts. She'd write me strange notes about cleaning issues in the classroom instead of actually speaking to me as an adult. I let her have her board and the desk because it did not really matter to me, yet seemed incredibly important to her.
I had two classrooms. Having two classrooms and no desk of any sort can take its toll on a frazzled person such as myself. Every day I'd forget a hand out and every day I'd have the same sweet, trustworthy student go get whatever it was that I needed. One day, my student told me she would not go get my stuff. I asked why. She seemed uncomfortable and said, "The teacher in your other room does not like you, and she is not a nice person". Hmmmm...It turned out that Jody was talking to the students about me. I am not sure if she brought it up to them or vice versa, but I found out that she told students to go to the principal to tell them I smelled. She also told them to tell their parents as well. Wow.
I went to my department chair and the principal. This woman helped create a horrible rumour about me. What she did was horrible and downright mean. Because of her I had to regain the respect of my students. Teachers were talking about me. I cannot believe I had to deal with this kind of crap where I worked. We had a meeting. She said the students were complaining, "what was she to do?" Poor thing. After the meeting she actually hugged me in front of the office. I let her. Ugh!
School starting to make me nauseous. It was around this time that I began having sleep issues. I started taking sick days, so I could sleep. Going to work became really hard. I actually started going to a healer to resolve all the issues I was having. Every day I had to force myself to go to teach with my head held high.
The next year I would have had tenure. I could have done what I wanted to. All that hard work, all that bol shit that I had to deal with through out the year because of that rumour with students would not have mattered anymore. I do not think that Jody should have gotten off so easy. Teachers are supposed to be role models and act like professionals. At the end of the year we got our placements for the following school year. I never went to my department chair to tell him what grade or level I wanted to teach. He gave me the worst possible schedule. I actually would have had to teach in both buildings (it takes 15 minutes to get from one side to the other). In my mind my schedule was just another nail in the coffin. I knew at that point that Erik and I were moving to Houston. I could not stay at that school. At the time I felt like I rather start somewhere new, learn a new curriculum. My last year in Philadelphia I took another job at a new school. Now, I realize that the whole smelling thing was really the beginning of the end. I was done with teaching then, even though I taught at another school for a year. My heart was just not in it anymore.
It has been about 6 years since I taught in New Jersey. I still wonder if I really did smell. Maybe I did for about a week when I quit smoking, maybe not. I will never know, but nor do I really care. People can be incredibly cruel. Mostly, cruelty stems from something else. Usually, its their own shit that they need to deal with. The whole thing was very strange.
I know I always say that the universe gives us signs. I felt like the whole mess was a huge, blaring billboard telling me that there was something else out there for me, something more. Oh, and I was right. I am not sure what the hell that is yet, but it will come.
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