Yet another crazy dream...

Last night I had a nightmare. I was on a city street, walking when all of the sudden a bus driver went completely rogue. The bus was trying to slam in to people and going on the sidewalks. It seems almost cartoonlike. The bus would sway over, hit people. The bus seemed as if it was aiming for me. Each time it would aim for people it would just miss me by a hair. I would jump back and press myself against a store window or hide in an alley to get away from it. It seemed never-ending, as if I had no where to go. Is there a huge bus coming to run me over? Is this a signifier of the fear I feel sometimes in life, as if something huge is about to come and wipe all this beauty away. On some level am I the crazy bus driver trying to run myself over? It sure feels like that sometimes.

I get in the way of myself. I am what stops “me” most of the time. I can blame it on time, a hangover, my husband or kids, but really that is a bunch of horseshit. When they say you are your worst enemy it is completely true. Shit is always going to be in the way, my shit. Usually, the crap that is in the way is inside though, lurking and sneaky. Sometimes (well most of the time) it comes out when I am driving…though now when I curse I have to spell out, “F-U-C-K”. When you have to spell out your curse words they loose their luster. Trust me, not as much fun. At the gym I’d kick and punch at it, sweating and grimacing it out of my body. Most of the time I do not even realize all that crap is there, unless I breathe and FEEL it. It is that stuff that compresses my spine. “It” catches up to me when I am dreaming in the form of crazy drivers; how incredibly ironic.

Oh, and I got a ticket on the day that I write this...it must be a sign. Argh.