The Beginning

I love the start of things. When something new begins it is unknown, scary kinda like change---it is the leaping over the cliff into the unknown. When I was a teenager I called it the abyss. The abyss is the vast nothingness before what is. What "is" has not begun yet, but it will. The beginning alsways makes me nervous. When I was a teacher (I taught English for 6 years) I would go to sleep early before the first day of school with the kids, but I would never fall asleep. I would be super excited and anxious for what was to be. What is so nerve wracking about first days I think is that unknown the starts when new things are beginning. Yet once it starts your there.

I dreamt of being a writer most of my adult life. I have kept a journal since I was 12. As I got older, the entries became more sparse. Sometimes I would not write for months, then I got guilty, wrote about the fact that I was not writing. Lately I only write during times of CRISIS and DRAMA (you will probably notice I have lots of DRAMA).

I have never journaled on a computer. Somehow writing on this thing makes it feel more real---I cannot blunder or use the written word to just complain. I have wanted to make my words mean something...I feel as if I have something to say (even though I am not sure what th hell it is just yet). So, here I am at my new beginning. The beginning of my blog.

I am not sure what will become of the blog. For instance, I am calling it The Kitchen Table because that is where the family gathers, and at the moment, my life is filled with my family. The kitchen table is also where we eat, and I LOVE to talk about food and all things food related. Anyhow, even though it is called the kitchen table I am not quite sure which way my writing will turn. I may talk about food, or I may talk about my children. Shit, I may talk about sex or my issues and family angst. That is the thing about beginnings---one never knows what the hell is yet to come, though one can always guess.

The unknown is scary. On the first day of school all is new. I'd wear a new outfit, buy notebooks and folders that will soon be filled. The first day I'd try to learn the students names, but it would usually takes a few weeks. I'd feel out the kids that I will connect with...map out what I want to teach, but in the beginning I have no clue what will be. So, this is a new beginning, exciting, scary...

I have found in my life that I learn the most and grow when I just leap off that cliff. When I jump into life is when I reap the most reward. It is when I stop thinking and start DOING. Perhaps that is why the universe chose to give me two babies at once. I knew nothing about motherhood or children. Before Maya and Amara (my daughter's names...I love saying that, "my daughter's") I knew nothing about babies. In fact before I had children the only contact I had was small stints with my niece, Isabelle, and nephew, Evan, for long weekends (and when Isabelle was very young I was afraid to even hold her).

When Maya and Amara were born I was literally thrown into motherhood. Now, having had two, it is like an old hat. Hopefully writing becomes an old hat too, that fits my head perfectly.